Out of breath
Returning to the scene, the same bed over the months, she imagines it standing still as the cornerstone of their time together. The first night, clenched in shyness and awkwardness in the bed, cold arms and limbs wrapped around each other, tense and hesitant, wondering what she had gotten herself into. The bed evaporates, the frame is gone, they are lowered to the ground, she is given her own space, her own pillows, her own existence on the bed. Nights spent alone cold together sweaty comfortable cool crying talking sobbing screaming fighting sleeping sleepless.
Yester-night she sneaks into bed, guilty but hardheaded, shutting her eyes, falling into forced slumber. Hears his footsteps, the crackle of activity, the flashing of television lights. This is the starting.
When he slides into bed, her heart is heavy but apathetic. She is pulled close and she tilts her head back to be far away. First, she blinks her eyes trying to force the emotion, why couldn't she feel? She is so far displaced and unattached that his arms holding her close feel claustraphobic. She starts to inhale in short sharp breaths, is this was a panic attack feels like?
Then. His words wash over her, get caught in her heart, tears starting to catch in her throat. Her body is shaking with the weight and pressure of his hurt, confusion, sadness. She is nothing but a vessel, she greedily absorbs his feelings because she is incapable of feeling her own. But it is too much than she can handle. She cannot understand this, she cannot handle the weight of it all. Her body is out of her control, her ribs crack with gasped sobs. He is channeling through her without realizing.
Please stop. I can't, anymore, she tries to open her mouth but she is too heavy, his words too loud, too sharp, too intrusive. She is empty of herself now, he has taken up all of her. Her eyes stare blankly, tears rolling down not her own, trapped in her own shell.
It's too much. Please. Stop.
Her body is wide awake now from its abduction. Her mind is buzzing with thoughts that are not her own, she is being clutched close to a body that passed an unseen wound into her skin, that infests under her skin, worse than any bruise that could be seen.
She begs to be held, she is taken to a happy place, she is pulled away by waves upon waves and is floating towards the nothingness that brings her back to her own again. This is the first time.
Yester-night she sneaks into bed, guilty but hardheaded, shutting her eyes, falling into forced slumber. Hears his footsteps, the crackle of activity, the flashing of television lights. This is the starting.
When he slides into bed, her heart is heavy but apathetic. She is pulled close and she tilts her head back to be far away. First, she blinks her eyes trying to force the emotion, why couldn't she feel? She is so far displaced and unattached that his arms holding her close feel claustraphobic. She starts to inhale in short sharp breaths, is this was a panic attack feels like?
Then. His words wash over her, get caught in her heart, tears starting to catch in her throat. Her body is shaking with the weight and pressure of his hurt, confusion, sadness. She is nothing but a vessel, she greedily absorbs his feelings because she is incapable of feeling her own. But it is too much than she can handle. She cannot understand this, she cannot handle the weight of it all. Her body is out of her control, her ribs crack with gasped sobs. He is channeling through her without realizing.
Please stop. I can't, anymore, she tries to open her mouth but she is too heavy, his words too loud, too sharp, too intrusive. She is empty of herself now, he has taken up all of her. Her eyes stare blankly, tears rolling down not her own, trapped in her own shell.
It's too much. Please. Stop.
Her body is wide awake now from its abduction. Her mind is buzzing with thoughts that are not her own, she is being clutched close to a body that passed an unseen wound into her skin, that infests under her skin, worse than any bruise that could be seen.
She begs to be held, she is taken to a happy place, she is pulled away by waves upon waves and is floating towards the nothingness that brings her back to her own again. This is the first time.
Comments